Originally, I jokingly thought of myself as a narcissist — an exaggeration of sorts. But now, I’ve come to realize I’m insanely narcissistic, which explains my frequent sessions of drawn-out depression.
I did a little research, and found there are two basic types of narcissist:
Overt Narcissist: These are the blatant, “in yo’ face” narcissists that seem to be completely oblivious to the feelings of others, and are constantly preoccupied with upgrading their identity and social status. They use others with impunity, and lapse into depression when they don’t meet their ideal self image.
Covert Narcissist: Covert narcissists are a bit more subdued and calculating. Much like their Overt cousin, they’re preoccupied with delusions of grandeur and achieving social greatness, but to a seemingly lesser degree. Unlike the Overt, they do notice and take others’ feelings into consideration, but only if it serves them in some way. The Covert Narcissist is a master of false altruism. However, when the Covert doesn’t feel he has reached the level of social status he desires, he becomes depressed and feels worthless and inadequate.
Those aren’t the official definitions; just the information put into my words. I’m convinced I fall into the Covert Narcissist category. As pathetic as it sounds, with the exception of close friends, I really don’t give a shit about anyone else. I find myself constantly looking for ways to get more attention (from people I find interesting), and as of recently, I’ve caught myself planning long-term goals for becoming HUGE. If there’s one thing I don’t want to be, it’s just another dull nobody. I want to be noticed, appreciated, and respected. In other words, a self-absorbed asshole (with power).
This is strange, because I’m really not a goal setter. I realize that the goals I’m setting aren’t realistic at all. Consequently, I become depressed, and feel completely worthless. I think what I need to realize is that I have very little control over where I end up, and constantly worrying about being famous and popular isn’t healthy . There are so many variables in life, I can’t worry about managing every one of them to achieve personal success. The most I can do is jump on opportunities as they come, instead of stressing over the future.
I think this post helped a bit, actually (although to anyone else who reads this, it probably won’t make that much sense).
