Just a few minutes ago, I asked myself the following questions: Why do I need a blog to use as a public personal diary? Couldn’t I just write contemplations and such in Microsoft Word? What is my motivation for posting on a public blog? Honestly, I don’t have an answer. I have some theories, though:

1. Is it that I like the possibility of receiving feedback on my posts? I didn’t intend this to be a socially active blog, and I still don’t, yet I leave people the option of commenting on my thoughts. Deep down inside, I probably want people to speak what they think about me, my issues, and my random opinions. Am I looking for online acceptance? Hardly, but I still don’t know my true motives for keeping this public.

 2. Actually, that’s about the only theory I have.

Usually when I write for blogs/websites, I’m writing for (what I perceive to be) an audience. Therefore, I’m overly sarcastic, I exaggerate everything, and I’m cynical. I guess I’m kind of like a horrible comedian (*cough -Carlos Mencia- cough cough*). Although the purpose of this blog isn’t to appeal to an “audience”, I can’t help but think people read this, thus I’m always tempted to sugarcoat my posts. AAHHH! It’s strange…
Sometimes (when I write for this blog) I think I’m not as honest as I should be, mainly because I think my parents will eventually find this. If I was completely honest, I could lose what little trust-points I’ve scored with my parents, and frankly, I need them.

Oh well. For the most part, I’ll let everything I need to let out…out. Writing on this blog is slightly therapeutic, and I’ve heard you shouldn’t hold anything inside while engaging in a therapy session. Eh, whateva’!

Thus far in my existence, I’ve never really had the drive or motivation to do well in school. I look at friends, acquaintances, and others and notice many of them have an intense drive to accomplish and succeed in everything they do. Even if it appears rather trivial to me, they see it as an opportunity to “win.” Personally, I’ve never had that intense desire to succeed academically, so I end up doing a halfass job in most of my classes.

It’s not because I’m stupid, it’s just that grades don’t matter to me. I find them irrelevant. What really matters, in my opinion, is the knowledge obtained from the classes, and not the actual grade. Although I will say that the grade usually reflects on the knowledge one receives, it isn’t so in my case. See, if I want, I can achieve As and B+s in my homework, and even overachieve in some cases. I just don’t feel the need to put myself under stress and pressure just so some middle age person with poor communication/people skills (also known as a “teacher”) can stamp an “A” on my paper. Who cares? If I feel a need to get a good grade, I can get one without too much hassle. It’s just that I don’t care.

Sure, I’m pretty lazy, but I’m not a complete bum. Believe or not, I do have a competitive side that occasionally decides to rear it’s ugly head. For instance, if my [insert essay, health, study skills, science) teacher(s) decides to subject me to a verbal flogging due to my apparent “lack of understanding,” then the following week, I decide to ace my assignments, just to prove them wrong.

Hmmm. Now that I think of it all, the only times I overachieve/succeed in anything is if I feel the need to make a good impression, impress someone, or demonstrate some sort of skill (also known as “showing off”). Since I could care less how most of my teachers perceive me or my intelligence, I don’t strive for an excellent grade. I guess it’s that simple…

Some of my friends are wondering why I’m not in a real relationship with a girl. Well, to be quite honest, it’s because I’m gay. Just kidding.

I’ve thought of that myself. I love girls as does every teenage male — both physically and emotionally. However, I can’t see the point in starting a relationship with one at this point of my life.

Highschool relationships are pointless, to put it simply. Why invest time, energy, and emotions in something that won’t last more than a year (at the most)?  You invest all your emotions in one person, only to lose the person shortly after. Why even start a relationship if you know there’s going to be an emotion shit-fest when it’s over?? Just avoid it all together. 

“But Brian, my friend has been going out with this girl for 3 & 1/2 years, so your statement about them lasting only a year is false! lol”

The longer the HS relationship, the worse off you’re going to be. If your HS relationship has lasted more than 3 years, than it’s at it’s clingy stage. That is, you’ve been with that girl for so long you couldn’t possibly imagine breaking up with her. Well, my friend, it’s going to happen. It’s inevitable. HS relationships weren’t meant to last, and only a small handful of HS lovers actually have a lasting married relationship. The longer you stay with a girl, the more it’s going to hurt when you break up. Simple as that.

That’s why friends-with-benefits is a great idea. In theory, it should work. HS friendships last much longer than romantic ones. Therefore, if you form a strong friendship with a girl and leave out all that mushy “we’ll always be together” crap, and incorporate hugs, kisses, or sex (if you aren’t against premarital sex), then in theory, the relationship would last as long as a good friendship would, and you’d still get physical benefits of a romantic relationship.

“wOOt, Brian, I found a flaw in your logic! Friendships also end, and there’s emotional hurt in them as well!”

True. But haven’t you noticed that when two friends fight, they almost always get back together? With romantic relationships, a few screw-ups, a few rough moments, and the relationship is over. Friendships have a much better chance lasting than pure romantic HS relationships (and most are just PURE ROMANTIC FEELINGS etc).  

Of course, FWB relationships probably don’t work out, seeing as how the girl would eventually want to form a real romantic relationship after a while (they like the idea of commitments, even if they know deep down inside it ain’t gonna’ last more than a year). And then you’re stuck in the whole HS relationship thing. It’s better to just avoid HS relationships all together, maybe.     

If there's one thing I hate about me, it's my lack to finish anything I start.

I always get great ideas and then start something amazing only to become bored with my projects. I'm always doing this, and I've been doing this since I was 7.

It all began with Legos. I'd watch a movie (ie Star Wars) and build a ship — well, at least 1/2 of a ship, and then I'd get bored with it and trash it. I'd only finish a couple of my Lego projects, and when I did, they were marvelous. Looking back, I'm surprised I could make such things with my extremely limited supply of Legos.

At age 10, I produced my own comic series entitled "Bad Cop." He was this corrupt cop who went around killing PBS Kids characters, such as Barney. He always carried around an immense arsenal of death in his trench coat, and his face was always covered by his hat. Yes, I know, I was/am a pretty disturbed kid, but what can I say. 

Anyway, by the time I finished (yes finished!) my 3rd Bad Cop episode, a few of my little psycho friends thought it was hilarious. So I made more. The only problem was I had to force myself to finish them, and as a result, the endings were really sloppy and abrupt. Every time I was half way done with one of my comics, I'd think of a better idea and then halt my current project. 

Anyway, that was a while ago. Now my little hobby is Flash 8, a program that is designed to build the little web-browser games/movies you play/watch on http://www.newgrounds.com. I can do just about anything I want with it, which makes things even harder for me. I've only completed/published 1 game, and I've started a hundred and two. As of now, I'm working on my first cartoon which is going too well. I'm also half way done with the cartoon-based game, which I'm doing at the same time. Well, as you've guessed, I'm getting REALLY bored with these projects, and I've got a million other ideas in my head. This time, however, I'm actually going to complete them, and I'm going to force myself to do a good job.       

Well, after contemplating all this, I've come up with a disturbing question: Am I going to be this way the rest of my life? If so, is this going to destroy my dreams of becoming an animator/artist/game developer? If I have major trouble finishing my projects, how is this going to affect my career life? ARRHHHGGG!

It's so annoying!

Okay, yesterday was a really weird day for me emotional wise. I began the day in an angry mood, and around noon, I hung with a couple of friends, which seemed to help.

Now I'm much gooder.  

It’s so cloudy outside…

*randomly bangs head on keyboard*

I hope summer is as good as it should be this year. When it rains nonstop almost all summer, you know there must be something wrong with this place…

I’m moving somewhere sunny…somewhere dry…somewhere where there’s a huge city. To be honest, I love big liberal cities. I feel like I fit in. I don’t know. All I know is that the cloudocity needs to end.