I Live

No, I’m not dead. But here’s a brief update on my life:

-I’m in rehab.

-I still don’t have a job, and but I’m working on it.

-I feel optimistic.

-I have a career goal.

-I’m not going to college.

-Well, I may attend Shoreline Community for an audio engineering program.

-I’m even more awesome than I ever was.

-I’m moving out on my 18th B-Day.

-No more depression.

-More confidence. Sometimes too much.

-I’ve got money on my mind 24/7.

-Money.

-Cash.

-Bitches.

-I can’t wait till senior year’s done with. I’m sick of this shit.

-I’m investing all my attention (most of it, anyway) to music production – mainly hip-hop/rap/RnB.

-I need lots of money.

-Still don’t have a car, but I’m not stressing.

-I am sexy.

Drugs.

Erhg. I was two inches from being totally FUCKED.

So this has been one of those weeks that feels like an eternity. I’ve fought with my parents every single waking moment, and it’s wearing everyone down, and driving me to psychopathy.

Anyway, I almost gave up hope entirely. 

Firstly, my younger brother was recently enrolled into Intensive Outpatient — a rehabilitation program for druggies. His condition is partially…well, mostly my fault for giving him greater access to drugs and alcohol and initially exposing him to all of it. He went waaayyy overboard several times almost died a few months ago. Finally, he got caught at school for the 4th time and has to do treatment.

According to the assessment, he had done to his body what a 21-year-old male shooting up heroine does to his. Not cool. Especially since I was with him 70% of the time he got fucked up.

And as of yesterday, my parents are inches away from enrolling me too. Luckily, I temporarily charmed my way out of it, but I’m certainly safe yet. Various drug counselors are trying to convince my mom that I have serious substance abuse problems, which isn’t entirely true. Am I an addict? I don’t know. Is my brother? Yes. All is behavior points to one: He’s stolen hundreds of dollars worth of alcohol from stores, overdosed at least twice on medication and alcohol, and has supposedly caused brain damage through excessive drinking.

I’ve experimented with opiates (oxys, percs, smoked pure opium), smoke weed everyday, messed with hallucinogens, and I have overdosed (although my parents don’t know), but as of now, drugs aren’t controlling my life. Earlier this year, I was definitely engaging in addict behavior. Drinking, smoking, and snorting EVERY OTHER day. As of three months ago, I haven’t done any hard drugs. I’m content with smoking da’ reefer, although I realize I need to cut back. I’m noticing my cognitive abilities being hindered significantly, and I’m having difficulty retaining information. It’s inconvenient to say the least. Definitely not as bad as going through treatment, though. 

Had I been enrolled in treatment, the chances of landing a job, maintaining a social life/grades, and generally having free time would be SHOT. It would make my life worse than it already is. NA/AA meetings, UA’s, etc…

More later…              

I’m Alive

“But I saw it diiiieeeeeeeeeeee…..”

 No, I’m not dead. Or buried. Yet. But I have been absent from the blogging/internet “scene” for a while now. the Original Blog Hogger is on the verge of extinction, as are my other internet projects. This is here for the same reason it has always been here–to vent and release random thoughts, ideas, plots, and calculated terrorist activities. Whatever.

Anyway, there’s been big changes in my life since I last posted here, so here are a few of them:

-Public High School: Up until the beginning of the school year, I had been semi-homeschooled. That is, engaged in a program where I went to school on Mondays and Wednesdays, and homeschooled the rest of the time. It sucked. I was constantly fighting with my parents, and they were threatening to kick me out. Naturally, I wanted to escape from my environment of stress, so we compromised. Hence, public school. LOVE IT. 

-At Risk Youth Program (or something to that effect): A few months ago, I was arrested for assault (domestic violence related), and now my parents have me on this program in which they can send me to court/juvenile detainment for minor infractions. So in essence, I have to do everything they say without hesitation, or it’s off to the center again. Well, fuck me. Not like that’s an entirely terrible thing. Basically, they (my parents, police, legal officials etc) make it out to be a lot worse than it is. My initial thought was that juvie was the teenage equivalent to the shitfest you see on “Lockdown: San Quentin.” WRONG. It’s basically where very stupid children go so their parents can drink in peace without having to worry about pent up angst an adolescent shenanigans. It’s a slap on the wrist. The worst part about it is the sheer stupidity of everyone in there. The topics of conversation range from blunts to joyriding, both of which age quickly. I’ll pass.

-Jobless, car-less: Whoot! I’m 16! Jobs are more accessible and a license is almost mandatory! Plus, I get laid constantly like in American Pie! YAY, snarf!  Well, not for me. I’m still a bum. Yet I manage to get the things I really want/need, so I can’t complain too much. A job would be nice, but very inconvenient, considering my grades are already a bit sketchy. Oh well, there’s always other alternatives to becoming employed. *cough-selling pot/stolen goods-cough* rofl.

On a more positive note, I finally got Xbox Live, which is a nice distraction. More updates later, yo.           

Good Weather!

After many weeks of seemingly incessant downpours and generally crappy weather, the sun has emerged! And not just the sun, the HEAT as well! Yesterday, it was around 64, which seems far hotter than it actually is when you’ve spent so many days freezing to death. Anyway, today, it’s supposed to reach 70, and I couldn’t be happier.

Personally, I thrive in good weather. My mood is uplifted, I think quicker, and I’m more active. Plus, everyone seems more alive. YAY SPRING!

All this awesome weather has got me thinking about my long awaited summer, and how I want to spend it. I know for certain we’re going to San Francisco for a bit, and possibly Oregon, but besides those events, I don’t really have anything on the agenda. I’m making it a goal to get into as much trouble as possible this summer, which may possibly liven things up a bit. 

Anyway, can’t pass up the sun now!   

Is my life crazy??

 I don’t have a troubled life, and compared to a few if my acquaintances/friends, I’m completely normal (on the surface). However, I will say shit goes down at my household. I used to think that a lot of the problems my family and I experienced were simply normal, but recently, people have been telling me otherwise. 

It’s not like there is constant drama, but it’s frequent enough. For instance, earlier today, I attempted to deck my dad in the face, my brother was almost choked to death, and the police were called. I don’t feel like going into details, but the my point was that my life is slightly chaotic. I’m not trying to imply that this stuff happens everyday, but it happens often enough. 

Unfortunately, most of the turbulence my family experiences is mostly my fault. My parents would like to believe my brother was behind most of it, but in reality, the problems can be traced back to me. A few years ago, I went through my little “rebel” stage in which I physically assaulted my dad a number of times, among other things. Now, my brother seems to be going through the same stage. I feel as if I’ve set a bad example for him, and I probably have. My brother has a lot of issues (deeper than he lets on), and I’ve never helped. I still don’t help, and I often find myself trying to escalate the drama for my own amusement. 
I’m not completely at fault. My dad sucks too. And my brother.

     

Eh, whateva’

Just a few minutes ago, I asked myself the following questions: Why do I need a blog to use as a public personal diary? Couldn’t I just write contemplations and such in Microsoft Word? What is my motivation for posting on a public blog? Honestly, I don’t have an answer. I have some theories, though:

1. Is it that I like the possibility of receiving feedback on my posts? I didn’t intend this to be a socially active blog, and I still don’t, yet I leave people the option of commenting on my thoughts. Deep down inside, I probably want people to speak what they think about me, my issues, and my random opinions. Am I looking for online acceptance? Hardly, but I still don’t know my true motives for keeping this public.

 2. Actually, that’s about the only theory I have.

Usually when I write for blogs/websites, I’m writing for (what I perceive to be) an audience. Therefore, I’m overly sarcastic, I exaggerate everything, and I’m cynical. I guess I’m kind of like a horrible comedian (*cough -Carlos Mencia- cough cough*). Although the purpose of this blog isn’t to appeal to an “audience”, I can’t help but think people read this, thus I’m always tempted to sugarcoat my posts. AAHHH! It’s strange…
Sometimes (when I write for this blog) I think I’m not as honest as I should be, mainly because I think my parents will eventually find this. If I was completely honest, I could lose what little trust-points I’ve scored with my parents, and frankly, I need them.

Oh well. For the most part, I’ll let everything I need to let out…out. Writing on this blog is slightly therapeutic, and I’ve heard you shouldn’t hold anything inside while engaging in a therapy session. Eh, whateva’!

School….

Thus far in my existence, I’ve never really had the drive or motivation to do well in school. I look at friends, acquaintances, and others and notice many of them have an intense drive to accomplish and succeed in everything they do. Even if it appears rather trivial to me, they see it as an opportunity to “win.” Personally, I’ve never had that intense desire to succeed academically, so I end up doing a halfass job in most of my classes.

It’s not because I’m stupid, it’s just that grades don’t matter to me. I find them irrelevant. What really matters, in my opinion, is the knowledge obtained from the classes, and not the actual grade. Although I will say that the grade usually reflects on the knowledge one receives, it isn’t so in my case. See, if I want, I can achieve As and B+s in my homework, and even overachieve in some cases. I just don’t feel the need to put myself under stress and pressure just so some middle age person with poor communication/people skills (also known as a “teacher”) can stamp an “A” on my paper. Who cares? If I feel a need to get a good grade, I can get one without too much hassle. It’s just that I don’t care.

Sure, I’m pretty lazy, but I’m not a complete bum. Believe or not, I do have a competitive side that occasionally decides to rear it’s ugly head. For instance, if my [insert essay, health, study skills, science) teacher(s) decides to subject me to a verbal flogging due to my apparent “lack of understanding,” then the following week, I decide to ace my assignments, just to prove them wrong.

Hmmm. Now that I think of it all, the only times I overachieve/succeed in anything is if I feel the need to make a good impression, impress someone, or demonstrate some sort of skill (also known as “showing off”). Since I could care less how most of my teachers perceive me or my intelligence, I don’t strive for an excellent grade. I guess it’s that simple…

Hmm…..

Someone commented on a previous post and stated that this blog was ranked rather highly on Google. Well, after doing some online exploration, I’ve found that to be somewhat true. This blog has too much potential for being discovered. It’s not like that’s a horrible thing, I just wanted to keep it on a personal level.

 Anyway, life’s been pretty uneventful lately. I don’t think it’s worth the effort to describe any recent happenings, other than the fact that one of my good friends is in a 30 day rehab program. Won’t be seeing him for a while. Oh well, I hope it does him some good. Addiction is pathetic.

Sweet!

Ha! I just remembered — tomorrow’s Saturday! I don’t really have anything planned, but there is a possibility I’ll drop by Guitar Center….

Also:

I’ve got to finish an assload of projects. For example, I want to get a flash opener page on 300poundtumor.net, and work on one of my flash games. I’ll probably pull an all nighter tonight so I can get some work done…

Later,

Brian 

God is dead to me.

I don’t usually like to talk about my life (especially the negative aspects of it — people judge you too quickly if you do), but since this blog receives practically no hits, I don’t have any issues discussing it. My parents don’t read this, so I don’t see why I can’t speak my mind. I usually don’t speak my mind with them, because I can predict exactly what they’re going to say. 

Anyway,  as of now, I have no emotional or spiritual connection God, or anything related to Him. Quite simply, I feel no guilt when I sin. For instance, if I robbed a store right now, got ridiculously high, and cussed my parents out, I really wouldn’t feel bad about it. Even if I engaged in compulsive masturbatory habits, I wouldn’t feel ashamed. I just don’t care anymore, and I don’t really know why. A few months ago, my dad confronted me about my disregard for “divine authority”, and stated that “my problems go way passed psychological” and that I was “spiritually dead.” Um, no shit.

It’s not that I don’t believe in God, or that I hate Him, I simply don’t care. Dad even went as far as to say that I was going to hell if I did not change my ways. I don’t disagree with him, I just don’t care. Obviously, I must not be comprehending the gravity of the situation. o_O

Frequent stops at confession, Mass, and various Catholic youth activities haven’t had an impact on me at all. I’m beginning to despise going to Catholic youth groups because I feel out of place. I just simply don’t fit in, mainly because they live their faith, and I don’t. 

Eh, it’s probably only a stage. I’m sure many people go through this.    

Updates

Well, I woke up sober and deleted this, just like I remember saying I would. Yionk!