Drugs.

Erhg. I was two inches from being totally FUCKED.

So this has been one of those weeks that feels like an eternity. I’ve fought with my parents every single waking moment, and it’s wearing everyone down, and driving me to psychopathy.

Anyway, I almost gave up hope entirely. 

Firstly, my younger brother was recently enrolled into Intensive Outpatient — a rehabilitation program for druggies. His condition is partially…well, mostly my fault for giving him greater access to drugs and alcohol and initially exposing him to all of it. He went waaayyy overboard several times almost died a few months ago. Finally, he got caught at school for the 4th time and has to do treatment.

According to the assessment, he had done to his body what a 21-year-old male shooting up heroine does to his. Not cool. Especially since I was with him 70% of the time he got fucked up.

And as of yesterday, my parents are inches away from enrolling me too. Luckily, I temporarily charmed my way out of it, but I’m certainly safe yet. Various drug counselors are trying to convince my mom that I have serious substance abuse problems, which isn’t entirely true. Am I an addict? I don’t know. Is my brother? Yes. All is behavior points to one: He’s stolen hundreds of dollars worth of alcohol from stores, overdosed at least twice on medication and alcohol, and has supposedly caused brain damage through excessive drinking.

I’ve experimented with opiates (oxys, percs, smoked pure opium), smoke weed everyday, messed with hallucinogens, and I have overdosed (although my parents don’t know), but as of now, drugs aren’t controlling my life. Earlier this year, I was definitely engaging in addict behavior. Drinking, smoking, and snorting EVERY OTHER day. As of three months ago, I haven’t done any hard drugs. I’m content with smoking da’ reefer, although I realize I need to cut back. I’m noticing my cognitive abilities being hindered significantly, and I’m having difficulty retaining information. It’s inconvenient to say the least. Definitely not as bad as going through treatment, though. 

Had I been enrolled in treatment, the chances of landing a job, maintaining a social life/grades, and generally having free time would be SHOT. It would make my life worse than it already is. NA/AA meetings, UA’s, etc…

More later…              

Is my life crazy??

 I don’t have a troubled life, and compared to a few if my acquaintances/friends, I’m completely normal (on the surface). However, I will say shit goes down at my household. I used to think that a lot of the problems my family and I experienced were simply normal, but recently, people have been telling me otherwise. 

It’s not like there is constant drama, but it’s frequent enough. For instance, earlier today, I attempted to deck my dad in the face, my brother was almost choked to death, and the police were called. I don’t feel like going into details, but the my point was that my life is slightly chaotic. I’m not trying to imply that this stuff happens everyday, but it happens often enough. 

Unfortunately, most of the turbulence my family experiences is mostly my fault. My parents would like to believe my brother was behind most of it, but in reality, the problems can be traced back to me. A few years ago, I went through my little “rebel” stage in which I physically assaulted my dad a number of times, among other things. Now, my brother seems to be going through the same stage. I feel as if I’ve set a bad example for him, and I probably have. My brother has a lot of issues (deeper than he lets on), and I’ve never helped. I still don’t help, and I often find myself trying to escalate the drama for my own amusement. 
I’m not completely at fault. My dad sucks too. And my brother.

     

Updates

Well, I woke up sober and deleted this, just like I remember saying I would. Yionk!

4th of July Contemplations

Okay, so tuesday was Independence Day. I’m not sure why I just wrote that, seeing as how you already knew that. I’m an idiot.

 Anyhoo, as much my parents complain about the secularization and commercialization of holidays, I love it. C’mon, Independence Day would be absolutely boring without all those expensive explosions.

Fireworks kick ass. I have yet to figure out why humans are so captivated by them. Is it the complexity and splendor of the flashes and lights? Probably.

Well, I’m bored with the complexities and splendors of flashes and lights. 

Now I take pleasure in watching fireworks/firecrackers destroying random items. Why is that? Is it my immaturity kicking in? Who knows. All I know is that this year, I got a whole lot of kicks out watching friends blow stuff up into smoldering fragments. Hahaha!  

  

I love judgemental people.

 People are so stupid and predictable*. It's a known fact that people judge. Some people judge because they think they have everything (or many things) figured out, and everyone judges because its a natural instinct. People judge you on how you dress, how you wear your hair, what kind of music you listen to, what kind of movies you watch, what kind of internet sites you read, what kind of games you play, what kind of sports you play, what kind of friends you hang out with, and your speech patterns (there is a million other things people judge you on, of course). Of course, just because people judge doesn't mean they are necessarily wrong…but most of the time they are.

Of course, some people judge a little more than the rest of us do. Some people believe they actually have the authority to judge other people. These people usually judge you within the first few minutes of observing you and automatically come to a conclusion. They leave little room for other possibilities. These people tend to be somewhat weak minded (in my opinion [after all, I'm intellectually superior to everyone ] ). Let's call these people "uber-judges." Many of these "uber-judges" come from isolated communities and/or environments, and many of these people are either religious or political in the true lockstep fashion (I probably didn't use 'lockstep' in the right way).

Personally, I can't stand these types of people, and I enjoy "messing" with them. For instance, if I know someone is an uber-judge (because I judged them), I sometimes might act a certain way to make them categorize me immediately, and then later completely destroy their perception of me. I know, it probably isn't fair of me, but I do it anyway cuz' I can't stand people who close their minds off to other possibilities.  

You know what, I think I love being judged. I think I'm going to pierce my lip (for real). That would be awesome. I'm sure a lot of my friends would think that's against my nature, but in reality, my nature is always changing (depending on what mood I'm in).    

*NOTE: I say so many people are stupid and predictable because you can act a certain way and someone automatically labels you (and rarely considers other possibilities).