Originally, I jokingly thought of myself as a narcissist — an exaggeration of sorts. But now, I’ve come to realize I’m insanely narcissistic, which explains my frequent sessions of drawn-out depression.
I did a little research, and found there are two basic types of narcissist:
Overt Narcissist: These are the blatant, “in yo’ face” narcissists that seem to be completely oblivious to the feelings of others, and are constantly preoccupied with upgrading their identity and social status. They use others with impunity, and lapse into depression when they don’t meet their ideal self image.
Covert Narcissist: Covert narcissists are a bit more subdued and calculating. Much like their Overt cousin, they’re preoccupied with delusions of grandeur and achieving social greatness, but to a seemingly lesser degree. Unlike the Overt, they do notice and take others’ feelings into consideration, but only if it serves them in some way. The Covert Narcissist is a master of false altruism. However, when the Covert doesn’t feel he has reached the level of social status he desires, he becomes depressed and feels worthless and inadequate.
Those aren’t the official definitions; just the information put into my words. I’m convinced I fall into the Covert Narcissist category. As pathetic as it sounds, with the exception of close friends, I really don’t give a shit about anyone else. I find myself constantly looking for ways to get more attention (from people I find interesting), and as of recently, I’ve caught myself planning long-term goals for becoming HUGE. If there’s one thing I don’t want to be, it’s just another dull nobody. I want to be noticed, appreciated, and respected. In other words, a self-absorbed asshole (with power).
This is strange, because I’m really not a goal setter. I realize that the goals I’m setting aren’t realistic at all. Consequently, I become depressed, and feel completely worthless. I think what I need to realize is that I have very little control over where I end up, and constantly worrying about being famous and popular isn’t healthy . There are so many variables in life, I can’t worry about managing every one of them to achieve personal success. The most I can do is jump on opportunities as they come, instead of stressing over the future.
I think this post helped a bit, actually (although to anyone else who reads this, it probably won’t make that much sense).
February 1, 2008 at 3:07 am
I’m afraid I’m a covert narcissist too. I have social anxiety/general anxiety disorder and also OCD, but I have read a bit on covert narcissism and it fits me. I hate it. Do you know any other information about covert narcissism?
March 22, 2008 at 7:34 pm
Actually, it do make a lot sense! I’m certainly a covert narcissist..
March 23, 2008 at 8:49 pm
I am just discovering through research that I, too, am a covert narcissist. In fact, everything suddenly makes sense- I was verbally abused as a child, and now I’m an abuser. Great. Now how do I fix myself?
April 4, 2008 at 12:38 am
There’s no fixing, only coping. I’ve come up with 2 plausible options:
1) – Give in to your narcissistic tendencies. Will this make you happier? Possibly. If a narcissist is what you are, then pretending you aren’t isn’t going to improve anything.
2) – Where a mask. Pretend like you actually give a shit ALL the time. I don’t know if you’re narcissistic tendencies would slowly diminish over time if you did this – -I do know I feel like I’m betraying myself when I constantly wear a mask.
If there’s one thing I learned, it’s that I can’t control even 40% of my life. I was constantly worried about my plans of awesomeness never coming through, and stupid obstacles, so I decided to put my life into the hands of fate, and live it as much as I could.
I have a feeling narcissists are major control freaks…just a thought.
April 26, 2008 at 12:11 pm
I think I’m a covert too. I’ve been depressed this last week, and the reason is I’m not meeting my self image. I’m in a band and everyone considers me the pretty boy (I’m a very good looking guy) but recently two other members have been getting similar attention. Its funny how this is so trivial, yet I stick needles in my skin to escape from it. I’ve know I have narcissistic tendencies, that particurlarly come out hwne I’m scared or angry. I am generally known for being shallow, arrogant, and primarily, vain. I have a lot of love and care (I think) for very close friends. Apart from that I don’t really give a shit bout anyone else. I don’t wish them bad, I just don’t care. I was constantly verbally abused when I was younger, and I was unpopular and made to feel worth nothing. Now I’m good looking, talented and popular, I abuse anyone who stand against me without mercy. I’m 15 years old.
April 26, 2008 at 10:44 pm
I’ve thought of it before. i really don’t care crap about other people, except the vary few people that interest me, and then i try to attract there attention.
Usualy if someone show signs of liking me i would definitely draw away from them its a weird habit that causes me to dislike any boyfriends I’ve ever had, I’m delusional, and a good lier, but I dislike lying to an extreme. I think I’m happy. but maybe I am depressed that I cant fulfill my ideal of what I think I am, but I love my self, and that keeps me hole.
Maybe I’m just delusional?
August 5, 2008 at 8:45 am
I’ve had a few dealings with narcissists… my father was one and so is one of my sisters. Keep the hell away from me.
December 17, 2008 at 5:38 am
I’m also a narcissist. I have managed to leave nothing but destruction and pain in my wake throughout my entire life. I’m 28 years old and I have a lot of crimes to atone for, making it impossible to get an ID and live a normal life. The woman I am with has gotten VERY tired of my behavior, and really, so am I. I think it’s bullshit that there seems to be no “cure”, only acceptance of this personality disorder. As a coping mechanism, I read alot, play video games, anything to avoid my harsh perceptions of reality. I don’t like this shit and I’d like it to stop……………
December 27, 2008 at 7:32 am
Hello, I just realized I’m a covert too. It’s really sad because it’s like a huge cycle. I don’t really have friends because I’m obsessed with myself but I’m depressed because I want people to love me, and I try to hard to be like them but it just doesn’t work
do you guys think if 2 narcissists were friends they would be happy together?
January 2, 2009 at 3:15 am
When I was a child my dad could sympathis with me emotionally since he is such an unempathetic person, that left it to my mum to socialise me into the norm. Leaving me with my cousins who regularly lied made me thinking lying was okay, even with my mum and dad teaching me right from wrong I still told some lies not really caring about the consequences and who they hurt. Through my life, I’ve been bullied, and had an overwhelming desire to please people, especially the ones who I thought had a mild interest in me. This only lead to me being disappointed, paranoid, feeling senses of anomie, striving for an identity, wanting to be socially and physically desirable, wishing people woul think the best of me but only really knowing me for one day, overcompensating the truth with lies that made me appear better, depression, constantly looking in the mirror looking for another excuse to hate myself, low self-esteem. Then through a few chats with an individual who I trust I was able to gain some perspective. I’m a covert narassist, but I have some mild empathetic understanding of people, I do want girls to fancy me from the start and e physically better looking and more popular etc but only in mild forms. I’ve realised with age we just gain a security within ourselfs, and with us knowing ourselfs better then anyone else we can know how to stop these urges and emotions. I just moativate myself in the mornings, try to see something good with everyday, love yourself every now and again saying ‘hey I’m good looking’, don’t try and be everyones friends, listen to some good music that keeps in your head for a while surpirsingly that helps me. An the most important things, forgive yourself and talk about it. Tell the truth abit more often if it helps, just release the truth in smalls bits and try to avoid big lies, if your gonna lie just tell minor ones with no reprocussions. Happy new year, want to talk to an 18 year old naraccist add me at jackson_186@hotmail.com.
January 31, 2009 at 9:18 am
This is me; I am a Covert Narcissist, too. I’d like to feel better about saying it. There is some relief in the realization of it–kinda like having a friend point out the toilet paper stuck to your shoe in the middle of a crowded, five-star restaurant during a nationally televised dating show: shameful as hell, but at least you now know it’s there. Though, I guess the term “friend” is not exactly accurate.
I use people, in the worst way–women, especially. I know I’ve got them when they say I’m “cute.” This word has a lot of power in my universe. It signifies that I’m able to continually and easily charm them–while abusing them–while using it to appear innocent in doing so. “Oh, I didn’t mean to do that! Aren’t I just so cute?” The process is gross; I’m disgusting. This cycle has to stop. But can it?
“Incurable,” to me, has always been bullshit, regarding this personality disorder, anyway. The fact that Covert Narcissism is now being diagnosed suggests that Narcissism is an evolving condition, and that this version is more tolerable than it’s predecessor. And a glance to all the confessions of the bloggers on this page is an even greater demonstration–given that N’s are supposedly unable to “see” their wrongdoing.
The suggestion (which evolved to an emphatic accusation accompanied with an ultimatum) that I am a CN was made by my girlfriend. She’s very smart and nurturing and somewhat older (Narcissus found his mummy!), and, by displaying remarkable patience, was able to pound the term against my head long enough for me to seriously question myself. I recall that, on several occasions, I’d react to her claims with a stubborn, flaming rage in my stomach that screamed “shut up; you don’t know me!!” After I’d recognize it–if it hurts, it’s probably true–I’d begin to spin her to my win-her-back scenario.
“Piss ‘em of and win ‘em back” is what she claims is the revolution of my personality. After I go so far to offend a target, and s/he can no longer stand my behavior, I play nice-and-cute-guy, again. It’s the “night and day” to my “split personality.” It’s what I use to keep as much focus (of myself and those around me), on me. Even negative attention is sought, as it too provides Narcissistic Supply. If, in every situation, all eyes are on me then everything during that situation revolves around me. And if I can involve myself in every situation, the world revolves around me–the world is mine.
As ridiculous and selfish as it sounds that’s what I desire, as a Narcissist.
But if “knowing is half the battle,” then it’s certainly possible to win the other half of the battle. Right?
Since admitting being an N., my perception of life has exponentially changed. I now allow myself Narcissistic Injuries–as opposed to avoiding life–and expect that, after doing so, my inner self will immediately react like an screaming infant. With exception to extended pauses and strange facial contortions, I often interact like a “normal person.” The thoughts and feelings of others are becoming more and more important to me. Reciprocity of human emotion–not conversational and metaphysical dominance–is my objective while socializing. I relapse and reach for and get Narcissistic Supply, but I’m aware of it–at the time I’m doing it, sometimes. Women still call me cute, though now an image of a little red flag pops into my mind afterward.
The world is a big place but it’s not mine, and, now that I continually give up the desire to have it, I can finally live in it.
April 4, 2009 at 5:37 pm
I am a female Narcissist. Recently I met someone just like me. I caught on to his games so quickly. Why? Because I had played the same types of games with other boyfriends. I was amazed! I fell in love with him. He taught me a lot about myself and vice versa. But, in the end, two narcissist, is like having twins. Much, too much work!
May 21, 2009 at 6:08 pm
Yes, I am definently a covert narcissist. I could care less what the hell happens to people other than my best friends, and sometimes want bad stuff to happen to people I don’t even know. I want attention, money, and fame so badly. I want want want. It sucks, but I’ve learned to deal. I am really smart, and I know that’ll take me far. Rather than living a life feeling like shit and repressing my natural tendencies, I’ve accepted my Covert Narcissism. There are a lot of people who like being with Narcissists (my best friend Delaney loves me for it). So, don’t fret! Live life how you want to live it. And if you want to oppress other people and beat everyone else, do it! I’ll see you there.
Alex
May 29, 2009 at 12:19 am
“Narcissus” – I read your post and admire your resolve. I think that is the first time I actually “admired” anything about a narcissist, but don’t let that go to your head…
To all CN’s:
All kidding aside, narcissists – particularly covert ones – are capable of unparalelled cruelty to their dear ones and others. Ultimately, Neil Entwistle displayed this. You may pull off and benefit briefly from the cruel hijinks, but remember – no one has ever successfully proved that there is no GOD. Your personal “belief” does not make God’s existence real or not real – so you may have pulled off some spectacular stunts but in the end, when you die, you just may face the ultimate Judge that knows all. What will you do then? Isn’t it a bit short-sighted to only care about what you can get away with here and now? If you all were really as smart as you think yourselves to be – and many of you may be – why the stupidity of not betting on the Future? Like “Pascal’s wager,” if there is no God, you and I are no worse off – we’re all 6-ft under and that’s it. But if there is a God, you’ve doomed yourself for eternity, not me. Why do that? It’s just a bad bet, and not “smart.” I am not intending to evangelize here – I just see the narcissist’s destruction and culpability and I see stupidity, not “smart.” Think about it.
October 23, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Yeah I guess im the only one posting on here that doesnt feel as if ive accomplished something because im a CN as opposed to an ON. Really i can see shades of both but when it comes down to it im really an asshole first and foremost. I guess the most disturbing part about it for me is that i will struggle in any intimate relationships i have from here on out, just like always i guess. Amwh fyi NPD is a disorder not a choice. And anybody who cant see that there is a design (god being the designer) in our physical surroundings is truly “self-centered” or just dumb you pick. This is the first day ive actually accepted that my life is crappy because of something that i cannot due to its nature change. Its funny because most of the time my perception of how others view me is so “great”. At the same time my greatness is built upon manipulation and an image that doesnt really exist. I guess i could consider it a gift because i can surely charm/con anybody from the gate, only thing that sucks about it is overtime the facade diminishes. Then its just angry old conceded high maintenance me. Guess i better get it while its hot but when i think about it i haven’t really ever had a meaningful relationship with anybody. Like sure i have cared about peeps but only because they where an extension of me. I find it very amusing that when i used to write poetry or short stories “I” was the recurring theme no matter what shit was about. I recall a teacher of my saying “nice incorporation of self” one day shortly there after i looked at the rest of the stuff i had written, that was my first clue. But of course after my sister the psych major told me that i was poster child for NPD i thought she was out of her mind. I looked it up and it all sounded good with the exception of the “lacking empathy” thing. Which i thought was a synonym for NPD like it wasnt just a symptom it was an alternate definition. Really who wants to admit that they dont care about anybody else. So in my ignorance i consciously denied while subconsciously realizing my true identity. Yeah i guess my sister wasnt the first to say the n word which leads me to believe i am pretty in your face, but only if i want to be, what ive built for the world is my ideal image of a person, not everybody is gonna find out he”s fake. Im starting to see that i have modified everything around me to suit my ideal with one exception, my true personality. But if i didn’t create that persona i probably wouldnt have fans either and everybody needs those right.? Maybe not but i need them like the air i breathe. I have a few “chosen” friends that dont match up to the persona that ive created, the only perfect thing i’ve encountered in the world(to bad its fake). Yeah its lonely when you set the bar and nobody can achieve perfection. But i guess im just kinda sick of being lonely. Ive been in two relationships spanning 4 years each just to name a few and i was so busy tending to my narcissistic store by way of cheating that i gave up two initiated co-dependents. Oh and yeah ultimately i was the one that dumped them but the damage was already done. Has anybody here ever been told “you ruined me”? I think it takes me about four years to conjure up that kinda farewell, oh wait that one time it took three months. I think you get the idea and i never “ruined” anybody intentionally, matter of fact for the longest i couldnt figure out how it happened. Then i realized i really am unique, i can have the best intentions (cheating excluded) and still destroy somebodies self image. Imagine what im capable of with bad intentions, imagine havening to realize your “that guy” And this is where ill get into empathy, im kinda getting to the point where i realize who i am and dont wish to force my agenda on innocent women anymore. I already know that a conscious effort to suppress the inner monster is pointless, if i cant live up to my own expectations who can? Maybe i shouldnt be so hard on myself though. Really who are they not to be everything i thought they would be during the pre screening, now i feel manipulated. All kidding aside pretty much anybody i father, date, or befriend is a part of my reality i can and will put myself in there shoes as long as they dont do anything to damage said reality. Please pray for my daughter i think i do know love and its her, hopefully she doesnt tell me one day i ruined her too. And hopefully i can suck it up and date again. Knowing me i will when im done bein depressed,itll last four emotional drama filled years then ill dump her and be depressed again, damn almost sounds planned out… Unfortunately i dont have plans to get famous my delusions just kinda put me in the spotlight someday but i do know that when i get there i will have a lifetimes experience as a performer, just from bein me. Oh and i think some people might have misconstrued NPD for being a capitalist i think capitalism is where you dont give a fuck about anybody you just get the power and the money b.a.m.n