I Live

No, I’m not dead. But here’s a brief update on my life:

-I’m in rehab.

-I still don’t have a job, and but I’m working on it.

-I feel optimistic.

-I have a career goal.

-I’m not going to college.

-Well, I may attend Shoreline Community for an audio engineering program.

-I’m even more awesome than I ever was.

-I’m moving out on my 18th B-Day.

-No more depression.

-More confidence. Sometimes too much.

-I’ve got money on my mind 24/7.

-Money.

-Cash.

-Bitches.

-I can’t wait till senior year’s done with. I’m sick of this shit.

-I’m investing all my attention (most of it, anyway) to music production – mainly hip-hop/rap/RnB.

-I need lots of money.

-Still don’t have a car, but I’m not stressing.

-I am sexy.

Drugs.

Erhg. I was two inches from being totally FUCKED.

So this has been one of those weeks that feels like an eternity. I’ve fought with my parents every single waking moment, and it’s wearing everyone down, and driving me to psychopathy.

Anyway, I almost gave up hope entirely. 

Firstly, my younger brother was recently enrolled into Intensive Outpatient — a rehabilitation program for druggies. His condition is partially…well, mostly my fault for giving him greater access to drugs and alcohol and initially exposing him to all of it. He went waaayyy overboard several times almost died a few months ago. Finally, he got caught at school for the 4th time and has to do treatment.

According to the assessment, he had done to his body what a 21-year-old male shooting up heroine does to his. Not cool. Especially since I was with him 70% of the time he got fucked up.

And as of yesterday, my parents are inches away from enrolling me too. Luckily, I temporarily charmed my way out of it, but I’m certainly safe yet. Various drug counselors are trying to convince my mom that I have serious substance abuse problems, which isn’t entirely true. Am I an addict? I don’t know. Is my brother? Yes. All is behavior points to one: He’s stolen hundreds of dollars worth of alcohol from stores, overdosed at least twice on medication and alcohol, and has supposedly caused brain damage through excessive drinking.

I’ve experimented with opiates (oxys, percs, smoked pure opium), smoke weed everyday, messed with hallucinogens, and I have overdosed (although my parents don’t know), but as of now, drugs aren’t controlling my life. Earlier this year, I was definitely engaging in addict behavior. Drinking, smoking, and snorting EVERY OTHER day. As of three months ago, I haven’t done any hard drugs. I’m content with smoking da’ reefer, although I realize I need to cut back. I’m noticing my cognitive abilities being hindered significantly, and I’m having difficulty retaining information. It’s inconvenient to say the least. Definitely not as bad as going through treatment, though. 

Had I been enrolled in treatment, the chances of landing a job, maintaining a social life/grades, and generally having free time would be SHOT. It would make my life worse than it already is. NA/AA meetings, UA’s, etc…

More later…              

I’m Alive

“But I saw it diiiieeeeeeeeeeee…..”

 No, I’m not dead. Or buried. Yet. But I have been absent from the blogging/internet “scene” for a while now. the Original Blog Hogger is on the verge of extinction, as are my other internet projects. This is here for the same reason it has always been here–to vent and release random thoughts, ideas, plots, and calculated terrorist activities. Whatever.

Anyway, there’s been big changes in my life since I last posted here, so here are a few of them:

-Public High School: Up until the beginning of the school year, I had been semi-homeschooled. That is, engaged in a program where I went to school on Mondays and Wednesdays, and homeschooled the rest of the time. It sucked. I was constantly fighting with my parents, and they were threatening to kick me out. Naturally, I wanted to escape from my environment of stress, so we compromised. Hence, public school. LOVE IT. 

-At Risk Youth Program (or something to that effect): A few months ago, I was arrested for assault (domestic violence related), and now my parents have me on this program in which they can send me to court/juvenile detainment for minor infractions. So in essence, I have to do everything they say without hesitation, or it’s off to the center again. Well, fuck me. Not like that’s an entirely terrible thing. Basically, they (my parents, police, legal officials etc) make it out to be a lot worse than it is. My initial thought was that juvie was the teenage equivalent to the shitfest you see on “Lockdown: San Quentin.” WRONG. It’s basically where very stupid children go so their parents can drink in peace without having to worry about pent up angst an adolescent shenanigans. It’s a slap on the wrist. The worst part about it is the sheer stupidity of everyone in there. The topics of conversation range from blunts to joyriding, both of which age quickly. I’ll pass.

-Jobless, car-less: Whoot! I’m 16! Jobs are more accessible and a license is almost mandatory! Plus, I get laid constantly like in American Pie! YAY, snarf!  Well, not for me. I’m still a bum. Yet I manage to get the things I really want/need, so I can’t complain too much. A job would be nice, but very inconvenient, considering my grades are already a bit sketchy. Oh well, there’s always other alternatives to becoming employed. *cough-selling pot/stolen goods-cough* rofl.

On a more positive note, I finally got Xbox Live, which is a nice distraction. More updates later, yo.           

I’m a fucking narcissist

Originally, I jokingly thought of myself as a narcissist — an exaggeration of sorts. But now, I’ve come to realize I’m insanely narcissistic, which explains my frequent sessions of drawn-out depression.
I did a little research, and found there are two basic types of narcissist:
Overt Narcissist: These are the blatant, “in yo’ face” narcissists that seem to be completely oblivious to the feelings of others, and are constantly preoccupied with upgrading their identity and social status. They use others with impunity, and lapse into depression when they don’t meet their ideal self image.
Covert Narcissist: Covert narcissists are a bit more subdued and calculating. Much like their Overt cousin, they’re preoccupied with delusions of grandeur and achieving social greatness, but to a seemingly lesser degree. Unlike the Overt, they do notice and take others’ feelings into consideration, but only if it serves them in some way. The Covert Narcissist is a master of false altruism. However, when the Covert doesn’t feel he has reached the level of social status he desires, he becomes depressed and feels worthless and inadequate.   
Those aren’t the official definitions; just the information put into my words. I’m convinced I fall into the Covert Narcissist category. As pathetic as it sounds, with the exception of close friends, I really don’t give a shit about anyone else. I find myself constantly looking for ways to get more attention (from people I find interesting), and as of recently, I’ve caught myself planning long-term goals for becoming HUGE. If there’s one thing I don’t want to be, it’s just another dull nobody. I want to be noticed, appreciated, and respected. In other words, a self-absorbed asshole (with power).
This is strange, because I’m really not a goal setter. I realize that the goals I’m setting aren’t realistic at all. Consequently, I become depressed, and feel completely worthless. I think what I need to realize is that I have very little control over where I end up, and constantly worrying about being famous and popular isn’t healthy . There are so many variables in life, I can’t worry about managing every one of them to achieve personal success. The most I can do is jump on opportunities as they come, instead of stressing over the future.

I think this post helped a bit, actually (although to anyone else who reads this, it probably won’t make that much sense).   

Good Weather!

After many weeks of seemingly incessant downpours and generally crappy weather, the sun has emerged! And not just the sun, the HEAT as well! Yesterday, it was around 64, which seems far hotter than it actually is when you’ve spent so many days freezing to death. Anyway, today, it’s supposed to reach 70, and I couldn’t be happier.

Personally, I thrive in good weather. My mood is uplifted, I think quicker, and I’m more active. Plus, everyone seems more alive. YAY SPRING!

All this awesome weather has got me thinking about my long awaited summer, and how I want to spend it. I know for certain we’re going to San Francisco for a bit, and possibly Oregon, but besides those events, I don’t really have anything on the agenda. I’m making it a goal to get into as much trouble as possible this summer, which may possibly liven things up a bit. 

Anyway, can’t pass up the sun now!   

Is my life crazy??

 I don’t have a troubled life, and compared to a few if my acquaintances/friends, I’m completely normal (on the surface). However, I will say shit goes down at my household. I used to think that a lot of the problems my family and I experienced were simply normal, but recently, people have been telling me otherwise. 

It’s not like there is constant drama, but it’s frequent enough. For instance, earlier today, I attempted to deck my dad in the face, my brother was almost choked to death, and the police were called. I don’t feel like going into details, but the my point was that my life is slightly chaotic. I’m not trying to imply that this stuff happens everyday, but it happens often enough. 

Unfortunately, most of the turbulence my family experiences is mostly my fault. My parents would like to believe my brother was behind most of it, but in reality, the problems can be traced back to me. A few years ago, I went through my little “rebel” stage in which I physically assaulted my dad a number of times, among other things. Now, my brother seems to be going through the same stage. I feel as if I’ve set a bad example for him, and I probably have. My brother has a lot of issues (deeper than he lets on), and I’ve never helped. I still don’t help, and I often find myself trying to escalate the drama for my own amusement. 
I’m not completely at fault. My dad sucks too. And my brother.

     

Eh, whateva’

Just a few minutes ago, I asked myself the following questions: Why do I need a blog to use as a public personal diary? Couldn’t I just write contemplations and such in Microsoft Word? What is my motivation for posting on a public blog? Honestly, I don’t have an answer. I have some theories, though:

1. Is it that I like the possibility of receiving feedback on my posts? I didn’t intend this to be a socially active blog, and I still don’t, yet I leave people the option of commenting on my thoughts. Deep down inside, I probably want people to speak what they think about me, my issues, and my random opinions. Am I looking for online acceptance? Hardly, but I still don’t know my true motives for keeping this public.

 2. Actually, that’s about the only theory I have.

Usually when I write for blogs/websites, I’m writing for (what I perceive to be) an audience. Therefore, I’m overly sarcastic, I exaggerate everything, and I’m cynical. I guess I’m kind of like a horrible comedian (*cough -Carlos Mencia- cough cough*). Although the purpose of this blog isn’t to appeal to an “audience”, I can’t help but think people read this, thus I’m always tempted to sugarcoat my posts. AAHHH! It’s strange…
Sometimes (when I write for this blog) I think I’m not as honest as I should be, mainly because I think my parents will eventually find this. If I was completely honest, I could lose what little trust-points I’ve scored with my parents, and frankly, I need them.

Oh well. For the most part, I’ll let everything I need to let out…out. Writing on this blog is slightly therapeutic, and I’ve heard you shouldn’t hold anything inside while engaging in a therapy session. Eh, whateva’!

Thoughts on my academic future…

I’ve never been an advocate of the whole “fuck the system” attitude. Lately, however, I’ve been finding myself hopelessly lost in deep thought concerning my academic future, and if catering to society’s expectations is what I want to do.
I know I sound like the typical “intellectual rebel,” but after thinking about it, I really don’t want to be society’s bitch. Let me elaborate:
The majority of one’s childhood is spent at school, in which the foundations of his future education are established. After he spends the first 14 years of his life slaving away for the sake of his academic future, he will likely attend college, in which he will spend thousands of dollars on classes. After college, he lands a time-consuming — yet financially providing — career. For the next 10 years, the majority of his life is devoted to his job. Although he gets the weekends off, his job still requires him to complete some company projects from home. Eventually, he settles down and gets married. After having 3 lovely children with his beautiful wife, he notices his paycheck doesn’t seem so…extensive. In the end, he ends up raising and supporting his 3 lovely children (so they can follow in their father’s footsteps), while providing for his lovely wife, while maintaining the same job he’s had his whole life, while living in a cosy, middle-class suburban household. And then he dies and his children do that exact same thing. And his children’s children do the exact same thing (except for his granddaughter, Sally, who became a sexually-compulsive heroin addict who eventually committed suicide because her uncle molested her at an early age…).

I’m sorry, but I honestly don’t want to live the typical American lifestyle. I don’t want to pay thousands of dollars for college, I don’t want to labor over seemingly pointless school work, and I don’t want to work for some dead-end job (like my father is doing). I know this all sounds painfully typical of someone my age, but the truth is, I don’t feel like I belong in this society. I wish there were shortcuts around it all (other than becoming a hopeless musician), and I’m sure there are.

To be honest, I don’t really know what career paths I wish to choose from, but I’m certain I’m not going to commit myself to some tedious, dead-end job. So far, starting an online business is probably my best bet. For the most part, I’d have maximum flexibility, and I’d be in control. Besides, I wouldn’t need a college education.
I’m not exactly sure where this is going. I’ve always entertained these thoughts, and I doubt my opinions will dramatically change in the future.
I do know one thing: College isn’t for me. Millions of people slave away in order to attend college. After that, they slave away in order to land a decent job, although most of them land some monotonous career anyway. Shortly after that, they move to a suburban neighborhood and raise a family*. I don’t want to live my life like that. I want to do something different.

Take into consideration that I’m not implying all Americans live this way. However, I’m sure an overwhelming percentage do.

One thing’s for certain: I’m not going to work my ass off so I can attend a college. I don’t have any desire to be a doctor, lawyer, clinical psychologist, physicist, or anything else that requires me to sell my soul and sanity to education or a career.

*NOTE: I’m not suggesting that raising a family is in anyway negative. Hell, I’ll probably end up doing the same thing.

School….

Thus far in my existence, I’ve never really had the drive or motivation to do well in school. I look at friends, acquaintances, and others and notice many of them have an intense drive to accomplish and succeed in everything they do. Even if it appears rather trivial to me, they see it as an opportunity to “win.” Personally, I’ve never had that intense desire to succeed academically, so I end up doing a halfass job in most of my classes.

It’s not because I’m stupid, it’s just that grades don’t matter to me. I find them irrelevant. What really matters, in my opinion, is the knowledge obtained from the classes, and not the actual grade. Although I will say that the grade usually reflects on the knowledge one receives, it isn’t so in my case. See, if I want, I can achieve As and B+s in my homework, and even overachieve in some cases. I just don’t feel the need to put myself under stress and pressure just so some middle age person with poor communication/people skills (also known as a “teacher”) can stamp an “A” on my paper. Who cares? If I feel a need to get a good grade, I can get one without too much hassle. It’s just that I don’t care.

Sure, I’m pretty lazy, but I’m not a complete bum. Believe or not, I do have a competitive side that occasionally decides to rear it’s ugly head. For instance, if my [insert essay, health, study skills, science) teacher(s) decides to subject me to a verbal flogging due to my apparent “lack of understanding,” then the following week, I decide to ace my assignments, just to prove them wrong.

Hmmm. Now that I think of it all, the only times I overachieve/succeed in anything is if I feel the need to make a good impression, impress someone, or demonstrate some sort of skill (also known as “showing off”). Since I could care less how most of my teachers perceive me or my intelligence, I don’t strive for an excellent grade. I guess it’s that simple…

Hmm…..

Someone commented on a previous post and stated that this blog was ranked rather highly on Google. Well, after doing some online exploration, I’ve found that to be somewhat true. This blog has too much potential for being discovered. It’s not like that’s a horrible thing, I just wanted to keep it on a personal level.

 Anyway, life’s been pretty uneventful lately. I don’t think it’s worth the effort to describe any recent happenings, other than the fact that one of my good friends is in a 30 day rehab program. Won’t be seeing him for a while. Oh well, I hope it does him some good. Addiction is pathetic.

Sweet!

Ha! I just remembered — tomorrow’s Saturday! I don’t really have anything planned, but there is a possibility I’ll drop by Guitar Center….

Also:

I’ve got to finish an assload of projects. For example, I want to get a flash opener page on 300poundtumor.net, and work on one of my flash games. I’ll probably pull an all nighter tonight so I can get some work done…

Later,

Brian